PISCES: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have much influence over your associates and people hate you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a coward. Pisces people screw small animals.
ARIES: You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
TAURUS: You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.
GEMINI: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER: You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, and that's why you'll always be on welfare and never be worth a shit.
LEO: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards.
VIRGO: You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make excellent bus drivers.
LIBRA: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for employment or monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO: You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and drug addicts. People laugh at you a great deal because you're always getting fucked.
CAPRICORN: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns delight in decorating statues with their puny turds.