1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved.
No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs.... Please feel free to
respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
store."
21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I
have never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees
get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those
conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
These quotes were taken from actual Performance Evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the
better."
These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:
1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.
4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.
8. He's so dense, light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
10. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.