- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
- Mental backup in progress- Do Not Disturb!
- Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
- Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
- What's the speed of dark?
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.