"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:"
You'll be making minimum wage.
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:"
You'll be making minimum wage; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:"
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself
to your coworkers.
"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:"
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done
anything innovative since.
"IMMEDIATE OPENING:"
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago.
We're just now running the ad.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; although a
couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:"
We have a lot of turnover.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"FLEXIBLE HOURS:"
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"
We have no quality control.
"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:"
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless
like Philosophy, English or Social Work.
"CAREER-MINDED:"
Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON:"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has
been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or
respect.
"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:"
You whine, you're fired.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Advancement opportunity:
Shit job
Entry level:
Really a shit job
No experience necessary:
The mother of all shit jobs
Administrative assistant:
Shit job with a title
Ground floor opportunity:
Shit job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
Progressive company:
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday
Team player:
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities
Upbeat personality:
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug &
alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
Word processing skills essential:
There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
Public relations:
Receptionist
Professional appearance important:
$20 K/year job that requires a $100 K/year wardrobe
Pleasant telephone manner:
Be the voice of 1-900-SUCK
Earn up to $300/hour!:
Be 1-900-SUCK
Salary range $24,000 to $32,000:
The salary is $24,000
Jeans job!:
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions
Will train:
Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem
B.A. required, master's preferred:
Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary
Civil service:
This job was filled from the inside six months ago
Women & minorities encouraged to apply:
White males need not waste the stamp
Outstanding benefits package:
Health insurance
Tons of variety!:
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and
rolled them into one job
Top-notch communication skills:
Telemarketing
Beautiful offices in attractive location:
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames
all match the carpeting
Secretary:
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages
of a migrant worker
Executive secretary:
The most powerful position in any company
Dedicated:
You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until
we force you into early retirement
Salary commensurate:
We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like
Salary negotiable:
We'll take the lowest bidder
Competitive salary:
We'll pay you up to 10 percent more than your last job, and not
one penny more
Competitive starting salary:
Ten cents above minimum wage
Pleasant atmosphere:
A staff of pod people
Professional atmosphere:
Zombie pod people
Fun, creative atmosphere:
Pod people from hell
Dynamic atmosphere:
Zombie pod people from hell
Gal Friday:
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it
Self-starter:
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows
what this means
"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:"
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette
and coffee breaks.
"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE:"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:"
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
I carry a Franklin Planner.
"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:"
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:"
I'm a college drop-out.
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:"
Wait! Don't throw me away!
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:"
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form
letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you there is chaos ... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK .... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only 50 years away!
15. Never criticise someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes; that way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes!
16. A snooze button is a poor excuse for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.